If there is one area where cultural differences are most glaring, it is in the area of relationships between men and women, and more particularly in the area of love.
It is also an area where they hurt the most, emotionally, humаnlу аnԁ ѕоmеtіmеѕ fіnаnсіаllу. Married to a Moroccan man, having worked in tourism and seen many love encounters between guides and tourists, having girlfriends married to Moroccans, boyfriends married to Moroccan women, boyfriends and girlfriends separated or divorced, and having heard many stories of couples in these times of confinement, I wanted to share our experiences, perhaps to prevent some of us from becoming a Hetty, or simply to better understand certain things that are left unsaid in a couple.
There are Moroccans and Moroccans
In relation to the cultural gulf that separates us in this area, there is a huge difference between a Moroccan who has really lived abroad, integrated into this foreign society, and a Moroccan who has never left Morocco, or only for holidays or for “bubble” immigration (i.e. living and working among Moroccans).
In the same way that I now know Morocco well beyond what is said in books or shown in films, the Moroccan who has actually lived abroad for several years knows how different our visions of mаlе-fеmаlе rеlаtіоnѕ are, he knows how to interpret our female behaviour in relation to our culture, he has a small idea of the aspects of Moroccan life that will be difficult for us. He often comes from a westernised family, he studied at Lyautey or Victor Hugo, often at a university abroad… in short, he is equipped to navigate this complex “Map of Tender” that is the life of a mixed couple.
The other, who is the one we meet on holiday, and for whom we fall in love as for any other holiday love, does not have this understanding. What he knows about European culture is what he has seen in the films and soap operas he watches (not art house cinema, more action and espionage) and what he sees on his tours. He will react with his culture, his way of seeing things, and this is where the danger lies:
- in what we believe he is really telling us, i.e. when we put our cultural references behind his words
- in what he expects of us
Relations between men and women are codified by Islam and by social pressure
This means :
- no sexual relations outside marriage, they are even sanctioned by law
- no boyfriends or girlfriends introduced to the family if one does not intend to get married (quickly)
- the man’s duty is to take care of his wife and his home, he pays for everything, there is no financial “sharing”, and the money the woman earns is for her
- the woman’s duty is to make children and educate them and, eventually, if she is willing, to take care of her house (otherwise the man must pay her a housekeeper)
- a divorced woman is a “ѕесоnԁ hаnԁ” woman, it is her fault if she is divorced (she did not take care of her husband well enough, she did not give him children, etc.)
- the man has the right to have several wives
- man owes respect to his parents and elders
- non-Muslims go to hell
And no matter what he says to you, it is part of his culture, his “software”, and it is what he expects, unconsciously or not, from his marriage. What others, starting with his parents to whom he owes respect (n°7), expect from you.
The 11 warning signs to consider that can even be red flags
From this point on, a certain number of things should alert you. Either your Moroccan lover is not sincere, or he/she does not really realise what he/she is saying. Others are signs that he does not respect you. In a society where respect is essential, and where a wife’s “dishonour” reflects on her husband, this is worrying for the future.
Love at first sight
I loved you from the moment I saw you, I knew you were the woman of my life
And then what? Honestly, this love at first sight, how often does it really happen in life? If Beigbeder said that love lasts three years, it’s because this love at first sight doesn’t last. What comes after?
He doesn’t want to marry you
At least that’s clear. You are just a source of pleasure аnԁ іnсоmе. That may suit you, just be clear.
He wants to marry you “right now”.
Given the constraints on sex outside marriage (#1), this is pretty normal. And a pretty good sign that he’s sincere. We just have to understand that marriage, under these conditions, does not have the same value of a lifelong sentimental commitment that it may have for us. Marriage can be no more than a “right to make love legally and without sin“. Divorce is also very easy in this type of marriage. Some tribes had even institutionalised it, as Michèle Kasriel described in her book on the Aït Hadiddou, by destroying the legend of Imilchil.
Financial demands
Whether they are small (a phone card), medium (paying for the hotel where you meet) or large, they contradict rule number 3. The Moroccan man who really loves you should not ask you for money. And if he does ask you for money, there is no better way to test his love than to refuse him. He will respect you much more. And if he doesn’t love you, you’ll be fixed right away.
In the long term, if you are the mаіn іnсоmе еаrnеr in the household, he will be hurt in his male pride.
He is much younger than you
And it shows.
Yes, most Moroccans do not marry women older than themselves. When they do, the age difference should not be noticeable. When you see the comments on the Macron presidential couple in France, you should know that the comments on yours will be a hunԁrеԁ tіmеѕ worse. Also, if you are too old to have children, it will be a problem.
He has always dreamed of marrying an American woman
An American woman, a European woman, a Western woman….
This may be true. But this means that before being a woman he loves, you are a fantasy he is trying to fulfil (and you are certainly not the first…)
This point deserves very lоng ԁіѕсuѕѕіоnѕ, to understand the “why” and to reflect together on the reality of his ideas.
Some reasons may be perfectly valid, by the way. One of the reasons my husband wanted to marry a European woman was that he was divorced and had a son. He thought that European women were better mothers-in-law than Moroccan women (who are often married with children from a first marriage). This was a good reason.
Other reasons are more dangerous for the future of your relationship: he fantasises about blondes, he thinks that European women are more liberated and won’t bother him like Moroccan women, or simply that it’s easier to sleep with them.
He doesn’t want to have children
Or he just tells you that it’s nоt іmроrtаnt to him.
Nuts!
Even if he sincerely means it when he tells you, between the pressure of parents (#7) of society (it’s the first question you’re always asked, right after you’re told you’re married, “do you have kids”) and his biological clock that will make him panic if he doesn’t have kids around 40, in the 18 years I’ve been in Morocco, I don’t know a single Moroccan who is s.a.t.i.s.f.i.e.d with not having kids.
And don’t imagine that adoption can make up for it.
In short, when he tells you this, he’s really telling you that he’s not interested in a long-term relationship.
He lives in a small town
Or in a working class area of a big city, or in the boonies.
This simply means that the “trаԁіtіоnаl” social pressure will be much heavier for you. Maybe this life will suit you, maybe not. In my experience, it is rather difficult. Will he be willing to move if you really need to? Will he be isolated, further away from his parents and family? Will his parents see him in a positive light?
You don’t have a real common language
Most Moroccans, especially those working in tourism, quickly learn a few words, those that are useful for their work. From there to “speaking a language” is a long way. Basic conversations in a couple are difficult when there is not a common language that both of them have sufficiently mastered.
Before coming to Morocco, I experienced this in a couple where our “best” common language was English, which was not the mother tongue of either of us. It was difficult, even though our cultural references were close.
Emotion, the emotional charge, already tends to diminish our capacity for expression and understanding in our mother tongue, but its effect is even greater in a foreign language.
This is true for all mixed couples. But it is even more important in a country where cultural differences are so great.
He left school early
Unfortunately, the lower the level of education, the more difficult it is to understand the other’s culture. This implies to get out of one’s cultural assumptions, and therefore, already to identify them as such.
This is not easy for anyone.
You simply have to integrate that, given the weaknesses of Moroccan public education, someone who just has a baccalaureate has a level of education that corresponds rather to a brevet. Take the romanticism out of the situation, and ask yourself sincerely if you would consider this relationship with a fellow countryman.
It all depends on you, what you are looking for in a relationship… but don’t imagine that you are going to turn into a “teacher” and teach him everything. That’s a different role from being a wife.
You don’t want to become a Muslim
Non-Muslim, you can marry a Muslim if you are “officially” Christian or Jewish (“officially” meaning that it is a piece of paper and they don’t care about your real faith).
But …
- everyone will regularly ask you about conversion, for your own good (to avoid going to hell, no. 8) and for the good of the person who converts you and thus earns his place in Paradise
- your husband being Muslim, your children will be Muslims too, circumcised for the boys, subject to the Muslim religious legislation in Morocco and to a religious education that is not always progressive (unԁеrѕtаtеmеnt) on which you will not have a say since you are not Muslim
- if you divorce, you will have to convert to Islam in order to get custody of the children
etc. etc.
My in-laws have always been very respectful and non-interventionist. Only one of my brothers-in-law was a bit insistent in his presentations of the beauties of Islam, I think it was more his professional reflex as a teacher that spoke :) Nevertheless, I felt this pressure a lot every day. It is difficult to distinguish between Islam and Islam (religion and culture), there are many Moroccans who are not practising, each situation is individual… be careful with that.
Yes, of course we can have happy love stories
Don’t make me say what I didn’t write. There are also happy mixed couples, which last as long, if not longer, than a “non-mixed” couple.
There are also couples who end up separating, after a certain time, because each one evolves differently.
A person from the consulate in Marrakech told me that the rate of registered divorce was the same as in France.
A cross-cultural couple is both a beautiful adventure, an enrichment of the other’s culture, and more difficulties. You just have to be a real couple to cope with it.
What about you? What do you think about it? Have you “taken the plunge” and married a Moroccan? Were you confronted to any of my 11 warning signs? How did things evolve?
Feel free to share your experience in the comments!
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